What direction is my life headed? I've been having these horrible nightmares of my brother shooting himself, and I wake up somedays so frightened and miserable, and then there are the mornings where I'm just a little sad it wasn't me. I desperately need someone to listen to. I don't need anyone to hear my life and my sob story. Just need someone to talk to me, tell me a story, remind me that my life isn't so bad. Remind me what my purpose is again. Remind me what it feels like to laugh at a bad joke, really laugh at a funny one. Remind me what it feels like to be wickedly drunk and dancing. Remind me that beyond the daily routines, I used to want to travel. I used to have a heart for others, a passion for feeling involved, and an absolutely insatiable hunger for forgetting about my life to help others better theirs. Remind me what it feels like to cry because you're just so damn happy with where you are in that exact moment that you can't help salty cheeks.

For now, it's back to the grind. If only.

i'm going to nashville for the weekend. i'm bringing my cowgirl boots, my accent, and my plaid. i'm not bringing any memories, any baggage, and certainly leaving my heartache at home. i need a weekend to completely let my hair down, unwind, and have just a brief second where i can breathe and forget about my life.

eventually i will have to let this all fade behind me, but i'm not ready to let go just yet. i know it will all still be here when i get back, so this weekend i plan on drinking an outrageous amount, smiling, and making some bad decisions.

i love you little brother, and i'll always be here when you finally come home to us. i still believe in you and love you more than you could ever imagine possible.

when does enough become enough? how long do you hold on before you finally loosen your grip?

i told him today that i couldn't continue to be in his life if he continued using. i tried to be so strong, so convincing.

"michelle, let's just be honest. i don't plan on stopping. so, i guess this is goodbye."

so what do you do when someone chooses drugs over choosing a relationship with you? you try to move on, right? you try to hold your head high and know that this is isn't about you, that it never was, and you try to continue your own life to the best of your ability, right? isn't that what you do when a drug addict chooses their addiction over the only person who has never given up on them, the one person who couldn't live without them?

his life wasn't supposed to be like this. neither was mine. my family is completely torn apart, and i'm trying so hard to hold it together to get through the daily routine. but just one more stone thrown my way, and this glass shell i've built will shatter and crumble in an instant.

his life has shown me how fragile time is. how quickly it comes and goes, because i used to think i knew what sorrow was, that i had had my time for grief, but this blows everything else away.

my heart aches through to my bones. i wonder what he's thinking? is he crying somewhere like me? is he missing me already like i'm missing him? is he wishing things had been different and wondering where they all fell apart?

i know i've been so naive the past 3 years. i started this "journey" being 21 years old, watching my 15 year old brother struggling to survive in an ICU while we all held our breath. I'm not sure of the exact date that he started this journey. when he take his first hit? did he hesitate to truly think of the consequences or did he just dive right in and never look back? when he almost took his life, what did he think about? did i cross his mind? even for a brief second? or what about my dad, did he think about him? was he scared?

was he scared that his attempt didn't work? or was he scared that it would work and actually kill him? was he scared of what it would feel like? is he still scared for when that moment comes? he hasn't stopped trying since then, but i know that if he truly wanted out, he would find a way.

i'm terrified for when that day comes. if i'm honest with myself, i know that eventually he will succeed. he will get his wish, and he finally be at peace, if that's even what he's looking for.

and if i'm honest with myself, i wouldn't even know where to begin.

my brother is a drug addict. he swallows pills. he sticks syringes in his forearms.

my baby brother, the same one who used to push hotwheels under my bedroom door so it would jam. the same baby brother who got stuck with his foot in the toilet. the same baby brother who used to play guitar, skateboard, wrestle, play baseball, and be alive.

my baby brother is a drug addict.

he steals from other people to make extra cash. with the cash, he buys whatever he can find. he then breaks it up into smaller doses and sells it for even more than he paid. with that sum of money, he then buys ectasy and heroine for his personal use.

he's only 18.

he's homeless. i haven't seen him in a while. i also haven't slept in a while.

he looks you straight in the eyes, but you know he isn't there anymore. he looks through you, like he's just anticipating his next hit. he looks at me like we didn't grow up together.

i'm watching a movie of his life crashing right before my eyes, and there's absolutely nothing i can do except sit on the edge of my seat and watch for the next scene.

with every day that goes by, with every needle in his arm, with every hit, with every night he finally falls asleep, i'm losing sight of my own life.

my baby brother is my very best friend. we've always been there for each other through everything. i don't know him anymore.

i wake everyday with the immediate sensation that he's gone. i've lost sight of my religion, my spirituality, my faith. those things used to mean so much to me.

i stopped by a church last week and didn't even know where to begin. mercy is what we all need. grace is what i wish for.

my little brother is a drug addict.

god, i miss you so much. i'll never stop loving you. i still believe in you.

if you ever leave me behind, i will never forgive you. please don't leave me. please.

I often wonder what it would be like to let go.

I mailed out my story today. Spent so much money on postage and packing supplies, but when someone finally discovers how absolutely brilliant I am, I'll just buy the post office.

I've really been busting ass lately, and I feel like I've found a new direction for my life recently. I am so excited about it. I've been itching to travel, and recently my life has presented me with those opportunities. I've embraced the fact that you can't totally plan your life, and that the journey is more important than the destination.

I'm learning to love myself and the young woman I'm becoming, and it's such a good feeling. Not every aspect of my life is this good, but I realize nothing can ever be perfect.

My boyfriend loves me too much, and this is actually a predicament. I love him too much to let him go, but I love myself too much to stay. I've always been a pretty indecisive person.

I want to go horseback riding. I haven't done that in a while, and I miss it so much. 2011 has so much to offer me, and I can't wait.

eyelids weighed down with regret, all i wanted was a way out.

31 days until i see my little brother. it's been so long, and i miss him.
i haven't written in ages, but i have a plethora of ideas. what's stopping me from putting pen to paper?
i found a job in boston that suites me perfectly. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for that one, and i haven't made a wish in a long time.
with the recent death of my grandfather, i've noticed my grandmother's weaknesses. her hands tremble constantly, and she wears around his flannel shirts like a second skin. sometimes, i even hear her talking to him. i don't think she's losing it though, because i think love can penetrate anything. even clouds, atmospheres and limbos.
i bought a windchime today to remind me to believe in things i can't see.

and even now, some days i still wish i was going off to war, to detonate bombs, to be a part of some twisted salvation, and to possibly return some invisible hero that they never see again.