dear god,

it's been a long while since we've talked. i have this immense feeling of surrender and resentment for things I'll never understand. it's this constant tug-of-war with myself struggling to make sense of how things work, past decisions, future mistakes, and present consequences.

my mind is already saying goodbye, but my heart is still so enraptured in the beauty before me...

i'm torn.
something very big is about to happen in my life as you well know, and i just....
afghanistan in april. 17 months. picking up my rifle and shooting someone who i never knew. spilling blood of someone with a mother and father, and someone who is probably just as confused as myself. you've given me a strong heart and mind, but do you think i can handle this?

i'm strong. i'm independent. i'm apathetic enough to get me through life, but this? will the memories haunt me for the rest of my life? will i become a completely different person? will i come home?

God, I'm not scared. I'm not scared of most things, and fear has never really been in my vocabulary. I'm not scared of war, I'm not scared of things unknown, and I'm not scared of the things before me. But will I have this constant ache for more?

always.

i've always believed in the power of words, but now i will learn the power of a hand grenade.

please remember me.